Dim environments easily breed desire and impulse.
She couldn’t go back to the sofa. Wang Luxi felt she urgently needed a hard wooden chair right now, preferably the kind where you sit upright and proper, to help her stay clear-headed.
The two of them went to sit at the dining table, face to face, with a polygonal pendant lamp between them casting angular shadows on the smooth tabletop. Yuan Bei was about to get her some snacks, but Wang Luxi sternly refused: “Who eats duck necks during negotiations?”
…How did this become a negotiation?
But Yuan Bei still sat down.
Since someone wanted to take the initiative, he wouldn’t speak either, quietly waiting for Wang Luxi to begin.
“Yuan Bei, I’ve never been in a relationship.”
That was her opening line.
Immediately followed by a second sentence, ending with a question mark:
“Yuan Bei, I want to ask you, do you accept long-distance relationships?”
…
Yuan Bei’s expression didn’t change.
Under the light, his features were clear, even the shadows beneath his eyes didn’t waver, as if he had known all along what she was going to say. This made Wang Luxi’s pre-drafted lengthy speech get stuck in her throat.
It felt like being in a public class at school, answering questions in front of the school administrators.
She tried hard to suppress her panic, using her eyes to signal Yuan Bei to answer! It’s your turn to speak.
But Yuan Bei still didn’t move, only looking at her intently: “You continue first.”
“…”
Continue it is.
Wang Luxi lowered her head, hands folded on her legs, clenching her fists tightly.
“…I’ve thought about it. Ever since I first learned you were leaving, I started thinking. I think we’re done,” she spoke very slowly. “Our personalities are completely opposite. You seem like you don’t really care about anything, but I’m not like that. I’m probably a very typical high-maintenance personality with strong self-awareness, big emotional reactions, and most importantly, in many situations, I need others to accommodate me. When I get that satisfaction, I become very happy. My mom says I’ve been a crybaby since I was little, always needing someone to play with me, otherwise even the ceiling at home wouldn’t be safe…”
Wang Luxi’s shoulders slumped a little more: “I’ve never been in a relationship, but I’ve fantasized about it. In my imagination, I should find a gentle, caring boyfriend in college. Most importantly, he has to be with me, to accompany me to the library, to accompany me to the cafeteria, to go shopping with me on weekends, to find good food, and to walk me back to my dorm at night. If I get angry, he has to wait downstairs at my dorm with gifts and roses to coax me, and set his profile picture and social media covers to my photos…”
Though it was dramatic, though it was childish, and might seem like the most superficial and naive kind of love in many people’s eyes, to Wang Luxi, this wasn’t embarrassing.
“That’s the kind of relationship I want,” she said.
Passionate, simple, constant companionship, and when necessary, some ups and downs and grand romance. Wang Luxi felt, or at least right now, eighteen-year-old Wang Luxi felt that this was what perfect love looked like, just like… an idol drama.
“But after I started liking you, I felt it was over. My idol drama couldn’t come true. You’re not at all like someone who would act in an idol drama with me! And you’re going abroad. I’m so sad,” her head still lowered, her voice somewhat damp. “…I can’t accept long-distance relationships. Never mind different countries. I get anxious even when we’re not in the same city. Just thinking about how in the future I’ll only be able to communicate with you through my phone across time zones, when I eat something delicious and can’t let you taste it too, when I have conflicts with classmates and you can’t come to comfort me, I just feel…”
It feels so meaningless.
So meaningless, Yuan Bei.
But Wang Luxi didn’t say this out loud.
She sniffled and said the next sentence instead: “But I like you too much.”
…
The light and shadows trembled slightly.
Perhaps Yuan Bei made some movement.
Wang Luxi didn’t look up.
She remained in her own emotions: “Whether you believe it or not, I liked you from the first moment I saw you. Even though you were putting on airs then, talking in that sarcastic way, I just kept wanting to steal glances at you…”
The first meeting should have been at the airport.
Wang Luxi remembered herself standing by the roadside then, hurriedly calling the travel agency, while Yuan Bei sat on those stone blocks, expressionlessly staring at the distant traffic in a daze. What was he thinking? She had no idea.
Was he impatient? He must have been. But he still waited for her for over twenty minutes, still didn’t abandon her at the airport. In the end, he just glanced at her and asked casually: “Confirmed?”
Then quite naturally, he picked up her suitcase.
“…So annoying, I’m such a sucker for looks, it’s killing me,” Wang Luxi said in frustration. “You just happen to be exactly my type. What can I do about it?”
She looked up as she said this and asked: “You knew I liked you all along, didn’t you?”
“Yes,” Yuan Bei looked back at her, calmly. “I knew.”
…
See, this was Yuan Bei.
Wang Luxi once again felt she hadn’t misjudged him.
Yuan Bei would never pretend to be confused, nor would he pretend ignorance, treating someone else’s feelings as something disposable to be carelessly thrown away, or casually held in his hand to toy with in idle moments, while pretending: “Oh, when did this get into my pocket?”
If he felt it, then it existed.
No one’s feelings were worthless.
That would be disrespectful.
And since they’d known each other, regardless of his inner emotions, Yuan Bei had always been polite and restrained in his behavior, which made Wang Luxi feel respected.
She exhaled deeply: “…I’ve struggled with this, really. I can’t guarantee whether we’re right for each other, but at least now, at this moment, I like you very much. I don’t want to overthink anymore, and I don’t want to make myself miserable.”
Her gaze fixed directly on Yuan Bei: “It’s just two years, isn’t it? Long-distance is long-distance. It’s not ancient times anymore. Even though I don’t have much confidence, I want to try…”
…Her voice grew smaller and smaller.
Wang Luxi had said everything she wanted to say.
The microphone was passed.
She was waiting for Yuan Bei to speak.
But Yuan Bei’s silence lasted longer than hers.
Just when her patience was about to run out, Yuan Bei finally spoke, but he asked her: “Do you remember how you evaluated me?”
Wang Luxi nodded, then shook her head: “Which comment?”
“You said I always like to imagine… imagine the outcome of things.” Yuan Bei looked at her. “You were right, and personality is innate, very hard to change.”
“…What do you mean?”
“I mean, I can’t set aside the outcome and only focus on the process of something, and right now, in my view, the outcome of this thing is very likely not going to be good.”
Wang Luxi felt her spine tingle for a moment.
But what made her frown even more was Yuan Bei’s next sentence. He spoke in a relaxed tone, yet said the most cruel thing: “Actually, before you said all that just now, I was still hesitating. But after you finished, now I think my judgment was right, and I’m also glad I didn’t let my emotions lead me astray, beyond the bounds of reason.”
Wang Luxi’s breathing began to fragment.
She understood. She got it.
But she couldn’t accept it.
Just as she was about to speak, Yuan Bei interrupted her. He propped his arm on the table edge, lightly supporting his temple, and the light and shadows on the table changed shape.
“How long do you think we could be together? Can we maintain this relationship after I leave, across time zones and distance, when our lives completely don’t intersect, when you’re about to face a busy new life? In such circumstances, how long do you think it would last?”
Wang Luxi shook her head vigorously: “I don’t know.”
“I don’t like uncertainty, and I like forcing things even less. I’ve always been this way. It has nothing to do with you,” Yuan Bei said. “I can’t muster confidence for something I can already predict will very likely fail, because there’s no outcome.”
Because there’s no outcome, it has no meaning.
“How do you know there’s no outcome!” Wang Luxi suddenly shouted. “What gives you the right to say it’s meaningless!”
The words she had once used to persuade Yuan Bei, at Jingshan Park, at that moment when the Forbidden City lit up, the words she had spoken seemed to have been scattered by the wind. At least they hadn’t reached Yuan Bei’s ears.
“And besides! So what if there’s no outcome! You can’t refuse to start just because you’ve seen the ending! People all die anyway, why aren’t you wielding a knife right now!”
…Yuan Bei was amused by her sharp tongue and fierce gestures.
When he smiled like this, Wang Luxi got even angrier, wanting nothing more than to go around the table and grab Yuan Bei by the neck and shake him to see what was inside his head.
She slammed both hands on the table: “So you’re refusing just because of the long distance?”
Yuan Bei was silent for a while: “Not only that.”
He looked at Wang Luxi: “We’ve known each other for… less than a month. Are you sure what you call liking isn’t just novelty? Or maybe just because I’m different from the male classmates you’ve encountered before, so you’re interested in me? It’s like how you like Beijing, but if you lived here for many years, walked every street and visited every mall, are you sure you’d still like it?”
A string of questions.
Wang Luxi pressed her lips together, thinking for a long moment: “…There is novelty, yes, but doesn’t all liking start with novelty?”
“What happens when the novelty wears off one day? What then?” Yuan Bei’s gaze was somewhat cold. “Your analysis of me has been very thorough. I think even I don’t understand myself this well. I’m just such a boring, ordinary person. Calling me stagnant water might be too much, but I really am indifferent to everything, living day by day, with no noble ideals and no thoughts of changing the status quo…”
“…Quitting my job, leaving Beijing, leaving the place where I grew up to study abroad, that’s the only change I’ve made, because I don’t have much keeping me here, so I wanted to try a different environment. Don’t laugh, but this decision took me two years to make. The same thing might have you packing your suitcase and leaving immediately… Wang Luxi, this is our difference.”
Yuan Bei paused here, his tone becoming difficult: “If one day you finally get tired of my boring nature, or feel you can’t sustain the long-distance relationship, or even if you find someone who can act in idol dramas with you all the time, when that time really comes, what then?”
“What do you mean what then! Who can guarantee they’ll make it to the end when they start dating! I promise we’ll part amicably when the time comes. Isn’t that enough?”
“What about me?” Yuan Bei suddenly frowned.
“…What?”
“What about me? What would my feelings count as?”
Wang Luxi was stunned.
In her daze, Yuan Bei slowly leaned back against his chair, as if some spirit had been drained from him.
“Don’t think I’m cold-blooded. After making things clear with you today, I’ll need a long time to recover too,” Yuan Bei smiled bitterly. “But I really can’t be like you, to be able to quickly enter and quickly exit. When that time really comes, when you feel it’s not working and tell me you want to break up, what can I do?”
Wang Luxi couldn’t answer this question.
She also realized that the actual answer wasn’t important. The real point of conflict was that they had different views on love. It was as if Yuan Bei had a defensive mechanism. He resisted relationships that only looked at the process without considering the outcome.
Although they were both obsessed with gaining the sense of achievement and satisfaction from “limited” experiences, relationships were different.
You couldn’t generalize.
Especially for someone like Yuan Bei.
But did such relationships really exist? Ones that eliminated all uncertainty? Being certain that this journey could last a lifetime before stepping across the starting line? Was that reasonable?
God knows where the finish line is.
The energy along the way, the mountains and lakes you pass, the sun and moon… do they really not count?
“You’re so cautious about relationships,” Wang Luxi’s eyes reddened. “Are you like this with all girls? Do you approach every relationship with this outcome-only theory? What about others…”
“There are no others.” Yuan Bei interrupted her.
“Like you said, what girl would want someone with such a hesitant view of love? I don’t know either. I have no references.” He looked quietly at Wang Luxi. “When it comes to feelings, I find it very hard to invest fully in a short time. I really can’t do it. You’re the only one. Wang Luxi, I like you, very much. You know that.”
Wang Luxi finally couldn’t hold back.
She turned her face away.
Yuan Bei’s cats were curled up on the sofa, two little ones, their bright eyes shining in the darkness, looking in their direction.
Yes, you like me. I know. I felt it.
But precisely because I felt it, it’s so sad, so regrettable. You might as well have told me you felt nothing for me at all.
“Is there really no possibility, Yuan Bei?” Her tears fell. “If we had met at a different time, if you weren’t going abroad just when we’d just met, just when we were starting to have feelings… if there were no long-distance relationship, if we had more time together, would we be together?”
…No response came.
“Yuan Bei, say something!” Wang Luxi felt she still couldn’t accept it. This grievance felt thorny, pricking her heart with pain and itch, so uncomfortable. “It’s just two years. What if I wait for you to come back?”
“That wouldn’t be fair to you.”
“Cut the crap!” Wang Luxi wiped her face. “You’re so annoying!”
Yuan Bei sighed.
After a long silence, he finally spoke: “I’m not certain.”
The surroundings seemed to suddenly turn cold, seasons rapidly changing, his voice sinking to the bottom of a winter lake: “I’m not certain whether I’ll come back after two years. I don’t have plans yet. Maybe I’ll go to other countries, maybe visit my mother… In Beijing, I have no relatives left.”
Wang Luxi understood.
So that was it.
It wasn’t that he had no plans, he just wouldn’t change his plans for her.
Or rather, she wasn’t part of his plans.
The summer of 2023 was about to end.
This summer had been truly wonderful. They had visited many places together, seen many sights, but for Yuan Bei, scenery wasn’t eternal.
People praise the process.
But people pursue results even more.
She was the former, willing to go through fire and water for the process.
And Yuan Bei was the latter, only investing in certain outcomes. He ultimately couldn’t be like her, taking a photo and naively thinking she could capture the moment.
Because to Yuan Bei, that was meaningless.
…
“I understand.”
Wang Luxi stood up, went to the living room to get tissues, swooshing several from the tissue box, then blew her nose hard.
Her back was to Yuan Bei, so she couldn’t see his expression, but she could hear the sound of a chair being pushed back, Yuan Bei standing up, perhaps about to come over. So she stretched out one hand behind her and waved, signaling Yuan Bei not to move and not to speak.
“Don’t comfort me, and don’t say sorry or anything like that. You have nothing to apologize for.”
Different personalities, different choices, nothing to criticize. Besides, from the day they met, even just as friends encountered during travel, Yuan Bei had been helpful and righteous, dutiful and responsible.
He was a reliable friend worth trusting.
“I have just one question, and you have to answer me.” Wang Luxi crumpled the tissues in her hand. Her tears had dried.
“Go ahead.”
“Can you tell me when you started liking me?”
Yuan Bei seemed not to think about it, without any pause: “Beihai.”
Oh, Beihai.
The white pagoda at Beihai.
Wang Luxi wasn’t surprised, just suddenly melancholy.
She probably would never again have the right to visit Beihai Park for spring outings and sightseeing. Because any future time she set foot there, someone named Yuan Bei would pop up in her head, clamoring.
She suddenly looked at Yuan Bei: “Then what do you like about me? Can you praise me?”
“Lively, perceptive, kind…” Yuan Bei said, then smiled. “I’m not good at praising people.”
“Pick the biggest one? My biggest strength?”
“…Your smile?” Yuan Bei said. “You’re beautiful when you smile. Does that count?”
“…You’re just looking at faces too. Tch,” Wang Luxi said again. “I’m not trying to find confidence from your affirmation. I know my own strengths. I’m doing this to help you solidify your impression of me, so that when you think of me in the future, you’ll be filled with regret, crying in anguish, breaking down in self-blame…”
She had used up all the four-character expressions of regret she’d learned since childhood, but in the end still paused and pressed the retract button: “Never mind, I still hope you’ll be well.”
I hope you’ll be well.
…
Wang Luxi collected herself and looked at Yuan Bei standing by the dining table, suddenly realizing this seemed to be the first time Yuan Bei had said so much since they’d known each other.
It could be considered making history.
And at this moment, Yuan Bei was visibly somewhat at a loss, which was also a first.
“Yuan Bei, I want to drink alcohol,” she said.
“No.”
“Then I want to eat. I’m hungry after talking for so long. I want zhajiang noodles.” She walked past Yuan Bei straight back to the dining table and sat down.
“Now?”
“Yes, now. A late-night snack.” Wang Luxi crossed her arms and looked at the white wall. Having cried, she now only felt the light above the dining table was too glaring. “As the host, making a bowl of authentic Beijing zhajiang noodles for your friend who came from far away, that’s not too much to ask, is it?”
She had long seen the saying that if you ask any Beijinger which restaurant makes authentic zhajiang noodles, they’ll tell you with complete certainty that it’s made at their own home.
“You can cook, right, Yuan Bei?”
“Yes,” Yuan Bei said. “There are no ingredients at home… no noodles.”
…The refrigerator contained nothing but snacks, some vegetables and eggs, looking pitiful.
“Isn’t there a convenience store downstairs? Go buy some,” Wang Luxi said.
Yuan Bei didn’t move.
Wang Luxi stared at the white wall, continuing to listen for movement.
Still no movement.
After a long time, she heard a laugh.
“Wang Luxi, if you’re sulking and want to send me away so you can leave by yourself, there’s no need.” Yuan Bei came around to the other side of the dining table, forcing himself into Wang Luxi’s field of vision. “It’s too late. It’s not safe. I’ll take you tomorrow.”
Wang Luxi, her thoughts exposed, blushed: “Who said that! I’m just hungry! I want zhajiang noodles!”
A few seconds of standoff.
“…Fine.” Yuan Bei walked into the kitchen.
…
Twenty minutes later, Wang Luxi was eating that bowl of noodles.
Yuan Bei had made the noodles himself, kneading and rolling the dough with skillful movements that left her mesmerized.
In the early morning hours, probably only their kitchen light was on in the entire building, with the range hood running.
“When I was little, my grandmother always made noodles. My grandfather loved them, zhajiang noodles with thick gravy, or pickled vegetable soup noodles with a drizzle of Sichuan pepper oil. I watched and learned.” Yuan Bei brought chopsticks. “There wasn’t time to defrost the meat, so today’s sauce is made with eggs. It’ll have to do.”
Wang Luxi used her chopstick tips to pick at the cucumber strips and egg on top of the noodles, her voice muffled: “You can even make noodles… could you please stop being charming? I finally managed to adjust my mood.”
Yuan Bei said nothing.
“Come with me to visit the campus tomorrow.” She buried her face in the noodle bowl.
“Okay.”
“Tomorrow afternoon. I want to sleep in.”
“Alright.”
…
Wang Luxi finished the entire bowl of noodles, not leaving a single strand, stuffing herself full.
After washing up and saying goodnight to Yuan Bei, she returned to her room. Apart from her swollen eyelids and bloated stomach, it was as if nothing had happened.
Just an ordinary day.
In the darkness, she messaged a friend: [I’m heartbroken.]
Very matter-of-factly: [This time it’s real. Heartbroken.]
Unexpectedly, her friend was still awake this late and replied: [Congratulations! Getting heartbroken before even dating, I really should call you big sister.]
Wang Luxi pouted: [I really want to vent right now.]
Friend: [Then throw his cats out.]
Wang Luxi: [?]
Wang Luxi: [What are you talking about? It has nothing to do with him. It’s about me. What do people usually do when they’re heartbroken?]
Friend thought for a moment: [Never tried it. Drink alcohol?]
Wang Luxi was full now and no longer wanted to drink.
She first changed her WeChat profile picture to pure black to express her sadness, then put on headphones and opened NetEase Cloud Music’s daily recommendations.
But after several songs, dawn was almost breaking. Even though she’d been a tourist warrior at Universal Studios all day, she didn’t feel sleepy at all. No wonder everyone describes being heartbroken as looking haggard, it really wasn’t just rumors.
Wang Luxi remembered Yuan Bei’s description of her as someone who “loves to smile.”
She tried to lift the corners of her mouth in the darkness, but they drooped again moments later. She knew that this forced smile probably looked even worse than crying.
Carefully reflecting on these days with Yuan Bei, aside from not being able to be together, there weren’t really any other regrets. She’d eaten what she wanted to eat, visited all the attractions she wanted to see. Yuan Bei had perfectly fulfilled her requests, truly taking her to every corner of Beijing.
If she had to mention an unfulfilled wish…
She still hadn’t seen the tattoo on Yuan Bei’s shoulder.
She probably wouldn’t have the chance in the future.
She took off her headphones, sniffled, and buried her face in the pillow.
*
Yuan Bei didn’t sleep well either.
During the night, he heard sounds in his room, clanging and banging. Thinking Wang Luxi was leaving, he woke up startled, got up, and opened his door. Only the two cats were in the living room, climbing up and down their cat tree.
The guest room door was quiet.
Yuan Bei went back to his room.
…Until after nine in the morning.
Yuan Bei was woken by the sound of cats scratching at the door, then remembered he’d forgotten to feed them last night.
He went to the living room, opened the cabinet, poured food, opened cat cans, and scooped the litter box. After all this bustle, he looked toward the room. Wang Luxi still hadn’t woken up.
He sat in the living room for a while, but no sunlight came through.
It was overcast today.
He washed last night’s dishes, cleaned the kitchen, and threw clothes into the washing machine, pressing the start button.
After this whole routine, it was already eleven o’clock, and Wang Luxi still hadn’t woken up.
Yuan Bei opened WeChat and discovered a new pure black profile picture among his pinned contacts. Completely black with nothing on it. The nickname “Wang Wang Wang” remained unchanged, making it look jarring.
Yuan Bei was amused by this operation and casually opened Wang Luxi’s Moments.
His smile faded.
He saw that Wang Luxi had also changed her Moments cover photo. It was a picture of a girl’s wrist, pale and slender, making the colorful tattoo pattern on the skin particularly striking: a simple smiley face in this summer’s popular dopamine colors, positioned close to the pulse point.
Yuan Bei recognized it immediately as Wang Luxi’s arm.
Because he recognized her bracelet.
Looking toward the room for the nth time, he finally sensed something was wrong.
He strode over and knocked on the door. No response.
He pushed in forcefully, only to find the door wasn’t even locked, it opened with a push.
The room was clean and empty. No one was there.
A cat slipped in past Yuan Bei’s legs, surveyed the room, then sat on the tatami mat, curling its tail, staring at Yuan Bei in the empty room.
*
Wang Luxi knew Yuan Bei would eventually bombard her with phone calls.
She was prepared, but just hadn’t expected it to happen so quickly.
When the first call came in, she was still in the mall.
It was raining outside.
This was the first time she’d encountered such heavy rain since arriving in Beijing. It was as if the sky had been torn open, with water pouring down. The sky was gloomy with thick, heavy clouds.
She stood at the mall entrance, surrounded by many people waiting out the rain.
Yuan Bei’s calls continued, one after another, persistently.
Having just gotten caught in a bit of rain and now being blown by the air conditioning, Wang Luxi felt a little cold. Looking at the constantly ringing phone screen, she slowly began to panic. She was well-behaved and had never run away from home before, this was her first time. It was somewhat thrilling, but also brought an inexplicable sense of guilt.
Yuan Bei’s messages quickly followed: [Don’t make me call the police to find you.]
…Who was he trying to scare?
Immediately followed by a second message: [I’ve never lost my temper with you, Wang Luxi.]
…Wang Luxi pressed her lips together.
She could almost imagine the tone in which Yuan Bei was saying this, and the way he pronounced her name syllable by syllable.
How to put it… she was actually somewhat expectant, trembling inside, not knowing what the usually good-tempered Yuan Bei would be like when angry.
The third message: [I’m driving. It’s not safe. Answer the phone.]
Wang Luxi hesitated for a moment, then pressed answer and slowly brought the phone to her ear.
…There was no imagined fury. Yuan Bei’s voice was low but steady: “Where are you?”
“…Sanlitun.”
“Where in Sanlitun?”
“…Taikoo Li,” she shivered. “I’m at the mall.”
“Wait there.”
She quickly called out to Yuan Bei: “Can I wait for you at the Starbucks nearby? I want to buy something hot!”
No answer.
Yuan Bei hung up.
Wang Luxi could only continue waiting where she was. She didn’t know where nearby had good parking, nor which direction Yuan Bei would come from. Behind her was a three-story Uniqlo flagship store, where she went to buy an umbrella.
When Yuan Bei’s call rang again, the rain had lessened slightly. She told him over the phone: “Tell me your location. Don’t go into the parking garage. I’ll come find you.”
Come find me.
Damn.
Yuan Bei suppressed his urge to curse, sent Wang Luxi his location, and within a minute, he saw a light blue umbrella in the distance at the crosswalk, squeezed among the pedestrians, moving lightly and quickly.
The girl was also holding a bouquet of flowers.
Wang Luxi closed her umbrella and slipped into Yuan Bei’s car like a fish, couldn’t help but shiver, and before she could shake off the water from her shoulders, she heard a click. The sound of the car doors locking, with force. Looking at Yuan Bei, his expression was even gloomier than the weather outside.
He seemed to have no patience to wait for her explanations, snatched the flowers from her hands, threw them into the back seat, and firmly grasped her left wrist with his palm, pulling hard.
Wang Luxi stumbled from the pull: “That hurts! What are you doing!”
Yuan Bei looked at the tattoo on Wang Luxi’s wrist, feeling his temples throb wildly.
After a moment, he suddenly released her hand: “Wang Luxi, I really didn’t misjudge you at all.”
“What do you mean?”
How do you see me?
“Impulsive, acting without considering consequences,” Yuan Bei’s tone began to turn cold. “Are you really this irresponsible? To yourself? Casually getting something tattooed on your body? How old are you!”
Wang Luxi pouted: “Don’t you have tattoos too? Weren’t they from many years ago?”
“Is it the same! Why did you get a tattoo? Tell me, why!”
Wang Luxi stopped talking.
She rubbed hard at the inner side of her wrist with her fingertips, at the tattoo pattern area, and turned her head to look out the window.
Yuan Bei heard a soft sob, very quiet.
“I wasn’t being irresponsible,” the girl had a crying voice. “I just wanted… to leave some commemoration.”
Yuan Bei forcibly suppressed his urge to hit the steering wheel and took a deep breath.
“It’s not tattooed, it’s a sticker…” Wang Luxi’s tears couldn’t be stopped anymore. “I actually went into a tattoo parlor, but I regretted it. I thought it wasn’t right… The shop sold tattoo stickers, so I bought one…”
She wiped away her tears with the back of her hand, then raised her hand to Yuan Bei’s face. Sure enough, one eye of the smiley face had been rubbed off.
Yuan Bei stared at the reddened wrist that had been rubbed, his brow tightly furrowed, saying nothing.
“Yuan Bei, I just wanted to leave a memento… Even though it might only last a few days, at least it’s a commemoration.” Wang Luxi became more aggrieved as she spoke, tears falling one by one. “…I’m young, yes, but you called me impulsive and reckless. I don’t accept that. I wouldn’t impulsively get a tattoo, and I wouldn’t impulsively like someone. That’s not called being impulsive.”
The raindrops outside the car window seemed to have gotten heavier.
Pedestrians and cars interweaved, with constant honking around them.
Wang Luxi kept her head stubbornly lowered.
For a long time.
She heard Yuan Bei beside her sigh.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said that about you, but you cutting contact and disappearing like this, I…”
“I won’t cut contact, and I won’t disappear,” Wang Luxi said. “Even if you’re not in Beijing in the future, I won’t block you. We can still be friends, right?”
Yuan Bei was silent for a long time.
“Right.”
“…” Wang Luxi wiped her eyes again. She leaned over to the back seat to retrieve the bouquet, wrapped in golden textured paper with small sunflowers that looked like fried eggs, blooming round and adorable. “This is for you, Yuan Bei.”
Yuan Bei looked at the flowers, then at Wang Luxi.
“I saw online that it’s always boys giving girls flowers, and boys rarely get flowers in their lifetime. Most likely, they’ll only receive them at their gravestone.” Wang Luxi stuffed the flowers into Yuan Bei’s arms. “I’m giving these to you. Remember me in the future.”
Whoosh.
Outside the car window, the rain suddenly intensified. The car seemed to be wrapped in a heavy curtain of rain, airtight, with bean-sized raindrops hitting the glass as if heaven and earth were changing color.
“Such heavy rain…” Wang Luxi turned her face to the window again.
Yuan Bei remained silent.
There was a faint floral fragrance in the car, lifted by the moist rain vapor.
After a while, he placed the bouquet back on the rear seat and started the car.
“Where are we going?”
“School,” Yuan Bei said.
“It’s raining.”
“We’re still going.”
“Can’t we change to another day?”
“Today.”
Yuan Bei had never been so stubborn about wanting to go somewhere, willing to risk a rainstorm warning. Wang Luxi sensed this too, so she kept quiet.
There were many cars on the road, the windshield wipers jumping back and forth. Through the rain, even the taillights of cars ahead were blurred. Wang Luxi gazed at the rain in a daze and asked Yuan Bei: “Do tattoos hurt?”
“They hurt.”
“No wonder. When I walked into the tattoo parlor, the owner saw I was alone and tried to dissuade me, saying tattoos are very painful, especially on tender skin areas, they’re even more painful,” she murmured. “So tattoo stickers are better after all.”
Yuan Bei’s tone was still low: “What kind of aesthetic is that? That smiley face is ugly enough.”
“Is it ugly? It’s just a simple drawing. I think it’s okay.” Wang Luxi raised her hand to look at it.
“You treated it as if it were you.”
“My smile isn’t that silly. This isn’t me.”
At the traffic light.
The car stopped.
Wang Luxi raised her other hand: “This one is me.”
Yuan Bei looked over.
He saw that on the pale wrist of her other hand was an identical tattoo sticker, colorful and conspicuous, except the smiley face had become a sad face with a downturned mouth.
She looked into Yuan Bei’s eyes: “Yuan Bei, this one is me right now.”